Can I Tell You a Secret?


           Can I tell you a secret?  I’m afraid.  Not panicked, just a bit fearful.  Before all of this COVID 19 became the top news story I had what I assume was the flu, followed by bronchitis, with a cough that two months later is still hanging around.  Hubby is over 60 and has his own health issues.  I see the news and while most people are recovering, I fear that if we catch it we won’t. 
          I don’t fear death per se, but my Earth bound body and that part of my soul that is still attached to this Earth wants to see my younger son get married.  I wish fervently to see my future grandchildren.  Yet.
          I also fear for my soul.  I see strong people go out in the world and help others.  I don’t have the skills or the expertise to know how to create an NGO.  I wouldn’t know how to procure the goods needed or know where to take meals.  I can give money to those who I believe are doing good work, who I believe are converting that money into meals.  I can take care of my people, I can make sure none of them are hungry or fear for their jobs.  Yet I fear I am not doing enough. 
          Yet the news says the best thing I can do is stay home, follow procedure.  Yet I fear that I am not doing enough. 
          I am afraid, that my privileged life has ill prepared my soul for what needs to be done.  I always just wanted to take care of my loved ones.  I may have had a fantasy or two of being bigger than life, but my true dreams always revolved around taking care of my loved ones.  I believe I achieved my dreams. Sometimes I fear my dream was small, yet it seemed so big when I set out to create a family.
          I gave many years to an NGO, whose work I believe in.  When my Mom died and my Mother-in-law’s health began failing, I only wanted to be home.  Now that my Mother-in-law is now gone, I worry about my Dad and my Father-in-law, but they are both too far away to help at the moment.  I can only call and let them know that I love them. 
           So if I do what they say I should do I stay home.  I have enough self-preservation that I don’t want to go out.  I want to help the ones I love, but can only touch them by video calls. I want my staff to not fear, so I make sure they know their job and paycheck is there, but it is more important that they stay home with their families.  I want to help those who need food, but all I can do is donate money.  I am afraid.  I don’t know what more I can do. I am afraid that my fear is keeping me from doing something necessary.  



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