FIRSTS



There aren’t many firsts left for me and the memory of many of the firsts I’ve had have been buried under more important firsts. 

The first glance, the first tingling of awareness, the first hint that an attraction might be reciprocated, the heart racing at the thought of meeting, the racing of the heart when fearful of not seeing, all causing that ache in the chest,  the hollow feeling that can only be filled when once again you both breathe the same air. 

The push and pull forces an adrenaline rush as eyes flash, to and fro, trying to catch the attention of but not being caught by the object of our affection.  As we slowly approach and mumble anything in hopes of being seen and heard.  The tilting of the body in hopes that the body will sway just enough to feel the warmth emanating from the other, because to be further induces a freezing pain that can be assuaged only by the other’s presence. 

Oh the ache of sitting almost close enough to touch, wondering how to maneuver a hand or hip or leg to accidentally shift a bit too much.  The palpable electricity in the skin that is arcing out in the desire to draw the other side near as if magnetized.  The euphoria at that first connection feels like a drug coursing through the blood. 

Oh the first smile of understanding, admitting something more is there.  Talking endlessly of all things trivial just to hear the other’s voice.  Dreading the time both of you must part and wondering when will we see each other again.  Waiting, pacing, praying that the other felt the same and will reach out to meet once more.  Making oneself available, accidentally being where you know the other is.  Feigning hunger after having just eaten.  Shopping for nothing you need.  Slowly approaching them in order to see them see you.  Looking for happiness to shift their face into eagerness to meet once again.  These are the first steps taken to see if this is more than a flash of attraction.

Can there be anything more powerful than that moment when the other becomes yours?  Perhaps it is walking into a room full of those who only saw you as separates and now, hand in hand, you arrive as a couple.  Perhaps it is when you use that power to show another that this person is yours and you will not share or perhaps when you don’t even have to stake a claim, because your person doesn’t even notice the potential poacher.  
How do we live with the fear that we feel more than the other person.  Is this just a physical draw or is it two souls trying to connect?  It begins when we begin to share our real selves and not just the best parts.  Is the other person there when I need them? Do they give enough space when needed.  Finally, we realize that a relationship is never 50-50, sometimes it is 0-100. 

We know it is for the long haul when we count on the other being there without asking.  Oh the joy when your partner brings you your favorite snack, just because they know you need a pick me up.  The peace when they comfort you without knowing why you need comforting.  All of these are threads that slowly begin to bind one to another.

But then comes the first argument and the fear that such a thing will break all the threads between the two, it is devastating causing both to question and replay events  until finally you come together again, to talk, to adjust, to say sorry, to kiss and to make up.  And then comes the moment when you know longer fear to argue, because you know in your heart that it is just something to get through, knowing that a couple  is not two halves of a whole but a synergistic unit,  that together they become more than what they were apart.

And then one day you realize that the threads between you have become woven together, together they are stronger and the ends have been knotted in each of your hearts. Then begins a new set of firsts as you take your first steps as a bonded mated couple.  Those early firsts become the foundation and the later firsts become the columns that build a relationship. 

There aren’t many firsts left for me, my foundation is solid, my columns are strong.  The day to day building blocks have hidden many of them away, but they give strength to what we have built together  and every once in a while a new first appears and still my heart races as I catch my breath and then I place my hand where it belongs.

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