Who’s Who of Indian Relatives

Above please find a chart that explains family relationships in a simple manner (HIndi).  I copied this from Wikipedia.  I tried to find the creator, but was unable.  If someone knows the creator please let me know. 

When I first met my relatives it became important to know who was who and more importantly where they fit in the family hierarchy.  In the west all parent siblings are aunt and uncle or all parents of parents are grandparents, grandparents’ siblings are great aunt or great uncle, children of parents’ siblings are cousins whether male or female.  In Indian culture it is not only important to know the gender, but to know whether this person is related to you by Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, or Son or Daughter.  

At first to a Westerner it sounds complicated, but once learned it allows relations to make sense.  The first thing one needs to remember is that traditionally Indians had a joint family system.  The wife would move into her husband’s home.  Second thing to remember was that  the elders held all the power, both financially and societally.  In many houses whatever the head of the family said was basically law.  Parents’ siblings and their spouses in the same house were often considered and sometimes referred to as  the equivalent of older parent or younger parent depending on whether they were younger or older than the real parent.  Cousins are considered brothers and sisters.  Then comes the fun part, because when you marry your spouse's relatives all become your relatives and therefore their Mom is now Mom, their Dadi is your Dadi, their older cousin brother is now your older cousin brother. What that allows to happen is that you are taught from the get go your place in the family heirarchy. Although I must admit sons-in-law tend to have higher status than just about anyone on their level. Sons-in-law get catered to in many ways when they show up at their in-laws house, almost like a minor deity.

Hubby is an only child, in Hindi his first cousins would all be Bhaya (older brother), Bhai (younger brother), Didi (older sister), or Bahen (younger sister).  If designating in English the terms cousin brother or cousin sister were often used to distinguish from “real” brothers or sisters.  I got in the habit of using the terms for my Indian family.  It was difficult for some of my American family to understand why I referred to his first cousins as cousin brother/sister instead of just cousin.  I had to explain that first cousins in India have a much closer relationship than American cousins and it is almost a no-no to refer to them his cousins and not siblings.  Now that I have been in India for 30+ years, I often drop the “cousin” and refer to Hubby’s cousins as brother/sister.  It often makes people confused when I say Hubby is an only child in one sentence and then the next sentence we went to his brother’s house for Rakhi.  

In the village and some orthodox homes, it is often still required for the daughter-in-law to cover her head in front of any of her husband's relatives who are older than he is.  So it was very important that she knew who was a jeth (husband’s older brother) or a devar (husband’s younger brother).  

Even Indians can forget the matrix.  I can remember when my husband was inviting some of the relatives who lived in the US to our US wedding.  It is traditional to send a personal letter to the close relatives that someone is getting married, before the wedding invitation card is sent.  It was kind of like a “save the date”, before "save the dates” became popular.  My husband sent a letter addressed to “Mami”, and he received a letter explaining in detail why she was a “Mausi” and not a “Mami”.
When I moved to India, I insisted on Hubby’s cousins to refer to me by my first name, although anyone significantly younger (more than 5-7 years)  had to call me Bhabi (elder brother’s wife) or their parents would have been upset.

In many houses, the hierarchy is even important at the sibling level.  Older siblings are almost treated like an extra parent, especially if there is a large age gap.  One of the things I had insisted on when my children were born was that there was to be no formality between the siblings so the younger one would use the older one’s first name and not the relationship title.  You would be surprised at how many people actually tried to get me to change my stand.  

I remember when Hubby and I were dating we watched a Hindi movie called “Paroma” which  is the name of the female protagonist.  The main scene that stuck in my mind is when a young foreign woman sees Paroma answer to various names, Bahu (daughter-in-law), Chachi (father’s younger brother’s wife), Bhabi (elder brother’s wife), no one called her by her given name.  It shows how a person’s identity is totally based on their familial relationship - any individual identity is stripped away.  It shows a person’s place and duties in life are totally based on whom they are with, not in of themself or at least traditionally and especially for women  However, if one does not lose oneself within the titles and is able to be their authentic self, then the titles allow the community to show relationships without a long story.

Sometimes I go to an event where not everyone knows who I am, when I greet the Mausis and Mausas (mother’s sister and her husband), the Mamis and Mamas (mother’s brother and his wife), those who are wondering why there is a foreigner in attendance, will now know that I am family.

As an aside, if you are somewhere with a large gathering of Indians and hear the people referred to as Aunty and Uncle, they aren’t blood related, they can be either older friends/acquaintances of parents/grandparents or parents of friends.  It also comes in handy when you meet someone older and have forgotten their name.  If you’ve forgotten the name of someone younger you can call them beti (daughter) or beta (son), there is a saving name for most occasions.  Another example - if you are in a grocery store and you want one of the workers' attention you can say “Bhaya (brother), can you help me?”, if they are about your age, or once again Uncle/Aunty if they are much older.

My favorite part of the  Hindi Relationship System is that everyone on the same level has the same relationship unlike in the Western version where a grandparents’ sibling is a great aunt/uncle.  I have tried multiple times to understand what a 2nd cousin once removed is, I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  While researching I went and looked it up again, it still doesn’t make sense to me.  Which is why I love the Indian family naming structure.

Just an FYI while Saala means wife’s younger brother, it can also be used as an insult if used to someone not your wife’s brother as it implies that you are sleeping with their sister.